DITTO monologue [readable version]
I have never found myself. The curious thought is that I do not believe I ever lost myself to start with… at least I still have my name. I ,sort of, just started to drift away in time and space, never really aware of what I was losing or who I was saying goodbye to.
Faceless shapeless creatures of my dreams that were also present in my Real life.
I do not mean to devalue dreams, they are my nutrition at the moment. I cannot afford to live without my dreams. They are, almost too casually, what is keeping me alive as well. No, I cannot really live without them. Have you ever imagined living without dreams, to become an old person (God forbid) with the bed wish to have a late meet cute with life. Detestable.
I wonder how long until I decide to turn back, but I do not want to prove them right. I reckon they hate me, or not it does not matter either way forward is my way my only path - no “Takesies Backsies”, not now, not ever, but if I wanted could I?
Where is the road behind me? Could have sworn I have been walking for ages, at least a few hours since I woke up.
Ouch! God damn!! What is that? Oh… A thorn inside my shoe. Perfect timing as well. I was just about to step in. Now I guess I cannot. Not like I wanted or anything. You can have it all: all the artifacts, all the jewels, all the land, all the houses. It is not like it has been a family tradition for centuries.
Just walk in and take it. Sure, why not uh? I did not even like it. The swing that we built but was too hard for my bottoms (kind of wanted to have swinged one last time before I left.
No! No!! No “TakesiesBacksies”! Not now, not ever! I will not allow myself to feel guilty or anything else. I am an emotionless rock in a cliff!... Ptui, I would have hair on my face, eyes shut from the wind. Never mind! This is not a dream I want to have or even imagine.
Life should have so many more good things. Not just stupid wind to battle against or pressure from him and her, and they, and those others. I cannot keep up with my own train of thought let alone… breathe in, there is no point. Breathe out, you have been trying for a bit now. Breathe in, do not get attached to this place. Breathe out, you never know who is out to get you,
Breathe in, do not fall asleep we know where that leads to… But it feels so much better than the alternatives. Ah! (dry cough) alternatives (plural) as if.
It feels good and bad, and worth it or maybe not as much. I do not want to fall asleep.
Breathe in, now Out… Breathe in, now out - z - do not close your eyes - zz - you know you cannot - z - do not let yourself fall - zzz - do not slip. Gone goner, time to get up, maybe you will find your way back or forward, just not stationary.
See?? You have been close to this before. Maybe not the same experience, but close enough. Can you see it? (That door ahead) Say hi first, do not be rude… they have been waiting for you. Not that that would mean something, they just seem happy to see me here - I am as content as them. I reckon I might be even a tad bit more.
I have been through it and survived. (You did do it!) All on me (for and against), what a relief. What exactly was it? I cannot really remember it. All seems to have been so long ago. Just look at that beauty. Remember it! It is yours to know and hold dear.
Right foot, after left foot. One at a time. Walk through. Open the door. Move on.
Sources/inspo:
Tchaikovsky - The Nutcracker, Ballet in two acts | Mariinsky Theatre (HD 1080p) /Nutcracker Ballet - Full Performance - Live Ballet / Tchaikovsky: The Nutcracker - Rotterdams Philharmonisch Orkest - Complete concert in HD / Daniel Barenboim & West-Eastern Divan Live in Geneva: Beethoven, Tchaikovsky, Verdi | Full Concert / Tchaikovsky: Swan Lake - The Kirov Ballet / Sleeping Beauty - Full Performance - Live Ballet
Articles
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/9547211/ - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4409431/ - https://mhanational.org/science - https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/mental-disorders - https://ijmhs.biomedcentral.com/articles - https://ourworldindata.org/mental-health
Acoustic references
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dwwcbxy6ay0 - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C6pnQxNGVqo - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9hM_g6OI7l0
Visual References
BAO short film, mom’s breakdown / square format mini vlog (link) / mixed media "psychosis" (link) / schizophrenia animation (link) / beginning of music video grungy vibes (?) (link) / pinterest board for vibes (link) / Making Sense of Death
Midsommer movie - Blood on the trail - CSM ED 3 (abstract hyperpop-y), ED 9 (abstract gore-y), ED 10 (mixed media) - Devilman Crybaby Intro (the more abstract parts) - https://www.instagram.com/reel/Cz0k3_JA6CK/?igshid=MzRlODBiNWFlZA%3D%3D - https://youtube.com/shorts/9r048Pzfm54?si=Fwt6MtDN8Ix8WT9t - https://youtu.be/D6nEqDbmyIw?si=m7vwb8dxV3H1UP28